


If you don't have anything nice to say

by SHARKMARTINI



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, SnowBaz, made up spells, this is wildly campy, watford era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23659888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHARKMARTINI/pseuds/SHARKMARTINI
Summary: Simon can't stop saying nice things about Baz. Too bad neither of them can figure out why.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 75
Kudos: 693





	If you don't have anything nice to say

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a campy lil fic I started writing about a year ago, and have polished up recently. I put too much time into it to call it a crack fic, but that's what it is at heart.

**SIMON**

Miss Possibelf catches me in the boys' locker room, trying to spell the mirror to curse anyone who uses it with bad hair for a year. (Not just anyone. Baz, specifically. But I don't know how to make it single him out as a target- so I make peace with casting a broad net. It's not like I care about my own hair- or ever come in here.)

Seeing her is a surprise, to say the least. "Why are you in the boys' locker room?" I ask her, too confused to remember to be respectful.

She ignores me. "Mr. Snow, why am I catching you sneaking in here after hours? You broke the lock to get in."

Okay, so I did. But this was an emergency.

"Baz started it!" I make sure I'm quick to defend myself. "I was just getting even-"

"Be that as it may, you're the only one I've caught destroying school property and sneaking around after hours."

I shake my head. "Yes, but it was _because_ of him-"

"Enough. I don't care for the backstory."

"That's unfair, we all know Baz is evil. I’ve already told you he's the reason-"

She interrupts me- again. (It’s getting annoying.) "Is fairness what you're after Mr. Snow? Well then- your actions were childish and as such your punishment will also be childish. **If you don't have anything nice to say!** "

I feel her magic crawling up my chest, and my eyes go wide as I grip at my throat. I can't believe she's spelled me mute.

"What the fuck?!" I ask her.

Wait. That shouldn’t have come out.

She frowns at me. "Language, Mr. Snow."

"But miss-?"

"No buts. You're old enough to know better. Don't let me catch you doing something like this again, no matter who started it." Then she's gone.

I want to find Penny to tell her about it (what was that spell?) but I know better than to try and piss off the miss twice in one day, so I head back to Mummers. Baz isn't back from hunting yet, so I try to wait up to catch him, but I end up falling asleep instead.

-

"Penny!" I drop into the seat across from her at breakfast. "You won't believe what Miss Possibelf did to me yesterday"

"Why, what happened?"

"She caught me trying to curse the mirror in the boys' locker room to get revenge on Baz. I told her it was a prank, but she punished me anyway- even though I was only doing it to get even. She didn't even care. I think she tried to spell me mute but it didn't work." The miss really shouldn't be teaching us if she can't get her own spells to work, but I don't mention that out loud. I think Penny likes her.

Penny wrinkles her nose. "She spelled you mute?"

"She tried, and I felt her magic but then I wasn't actually mute. I wanted to come and see you after to figure it out, but I didn't want to risk getting caught and pissing her off more. Then I was going to ask Baz about it, but he-"

I stop, eyes wide. Then I claw at my throat.

_He was out making Capri Suns out of rats, as usual._

I'm hyperventilating. I know the words, I have the words- but they won't come out. I'm going crazy. I look at Penny in total helplessness. She's staring at me over the top of her book.

"What is it Simon?" At least she sounds concerned.

I try again. And the panic builds as nothing comes out. "Help me!" I yell instead. It's early still, but there's enough people in the dining hall staring for it to be embarrassing.

"With what, exactly?" She asks. She's always been cooler than me under pressure, which is usually a good thing, but right now it's annoying. This is an emergency.

"I went mute!" I tell her, still grasping my own throat, "I couldn't say the things I wanted to say! It's like it just wouldn’t come out!"

"What did you want to say?" She asks.

_That Baz was out making Capri Suns out of rats._

I can feel my mouth opening and closing, but nothing. I'm looking down at my own chest (am I having a mental break down?) and I can feel Penny staring. Then she snaps her fingers.

"Are you trying to say something about Baz?" she asks.

"Obviously, I'm trying to say something about Baz." I say, because she's always accusing me of talking too much about him. Half our conversations are about Baz.

"Is it nice?" she asks.

"How do you mean? It's not a lie."

"But is it nice?" She leans forward. "Even if it's truthful, are you trying to say it in a nice way?"

"Uh- I guess not?"

She smiles. "Miss Possibelf did spell you then- _if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."_ She recites without magic.

"She's stopped me from talking about Baz?!" This is going to get tough really quickly. Not to mention it'll be rough to live with a bloke without being able to talk to him. (Not that we talk a lot anyway. But it's nice to have the option.)

"No, she's stopped you from saying anything mean. You can still talk about him."

I don’t understand. "The food here sucks!" I yell, startling myself. I didn't think that would work. I catch cook Pritchard out of the corner of my eye, and she looks pissed. Ah, fuck.

"Penny," I hiss, "you said I couldn't say anything mean!"

She rolls her eyes. "Anything mean about _Baz_. You can still say mean things about anything else. Even if they're lies."

I sit down and put my head in my hands. Cook Pritchard is going to make me eat liver and onions for a month now. (I actually like liver and onions- I only meant that she's going to make me do that while everyone else eats roast beef and all the things I like _more_ than liver and onions.)

I sigh, and Penny kicks my feet under the table in sympathy.

I have a feeling my life is about to get just that much more difficult.

-

I decide that I don't need to talk about Baz at all. Actually, this is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me because I shouldn't be talking about him, and now not only do I have a reason not to, but I physically _can't_.

Miss Possibelf might be a genius. I'm sure Penny is going to think so.

I beam at Miss Possibelf all through our Magical Words lesson. Baz turns around to sneer at me, and I feel my magic leaking as I start getting worked up- but all I do is stick my tongue out at him. And only _once_.

Miss Possibelf sees me and frowns, but she's got to admit it's better than the yelling match we'd gotten into last week.

I feel more mature already.

(For full disclosure, Baz did not actually take part in the yelling. He started it by generally just being a prick, but then sat there smirking while I had a row all by myself. He'd made me look mad, which was the worst part of all. He'd kind of just watched me with this pleased expression, like being yelled at was the best thing that had happened to him all day.)

But now I’ve decided that being more mature is the way to go. He can try to fight with me all he wants, but I won't engage. Not anymore. I literally _can't._

It’s perfect.

My newfound resolve holds all through morning classes. Sure, it's annoying that Baz hasn't joined me in my revelation and is instead doubling down on the insults, but I won't let it get to me.

I don’t make it through the day. It doesn't take long until I'm literally red in the face, stuttering as I try to lash out at him. He watches me get more and more worked up, raising that brow of his until it's practically disappeared into his hairline. The others in the class are coughing on my leaking magic, but I ignore Penny's tugs on my jumper as I try to tell Baz to go to hell.

Penny finally pulls me out into the hall. "Great snakes Simon, you're going to suffocate everyone left in the class. You can't go on like this."

I already know that. Hearing it from her doesn’t make it any better. "I- just- he's-,” I try to explain. I'm stammering. I have so much I want to get out and it's all getting caught in my throat. I'm literally choking on the words. Even when I try and keep them back, more bubble up.

He's going to kill me just like this. I can feel my face getting redder and redder. It's hard to breathe.

"Just get it out," Penny encourages. "It doesn't matter, just say anything that works. Think the mean stuff, and say whatever you can. I'll know what you’re trying to say."

_Baz is a fucking tosser_.

"Baz is fit! Baz smells nice! Baz is great at football!" I check them off on my fingers in relief. It's been hell not talking about him. Even this feels better than letting it all build up, than saying nothing at all.

We turn the corner and almost run into Rhys, hands stopped on his wheels.

"Oh, Rhys- you didn't? I mean- that was all…" I trail off.

"Don't tell me, you should be telling Baz," he says as he turns around and wheels away.

"Wait- that's not… what I meant." He doesn't look back at us.

I sigh defeatedly and look over at Penny, who looks deep in thought.

-

I frown at Baz from my bed. He looks over, face impassive as if everything I do is beneath his notice.

_You're the bane of my existence._ I try three times but it doesn't work. I'm getting frustrated- it's normally hard enough to try and express myself, but this is worse than usual.

He raises his brows at me, and I growl. I can't just sit here quietly and let him get the best of me. I decide to take Penny’s advice before I start choking again.

"You look fit with your hair like that," comes out because I refuse to just say nothing.

The look on his face changes so quickly I almost don't see it. His hand flies to the little knot at the back of his head. I look up at the ceiling, wishing I hadn't said anything at all.

But then Baz clears his throat and walks right out of the room, but not before I catch the faintest dusting of pink on the tips of his ears.

_Interesting._

-

"Something is wrong with Baz." I tell Penny the next morning at breakfast. She doesn't even bother looking up from her book. (I don't know what she's up to. It's the weekend- she shouldn't be reading on the weekend- that's the kind of bullshit Baz would do. She should be enjoying the time off school doing literally anything else.)

"So you've been saying."

"No, like something is actually wrong with him. Watch this-" I turn around in my seat just in time to see him walk into the dining hall. "How is it you look so good in those jeans?" I call out at him.

I raise my eyebrows at Penny, who doesn't say a word as Baz turns right around and leaves the dining hall with alarming speed.

"Vampire super speed," I mutter to myself as Penny finally turns her attention back to me.

"So you've moved on to harassing Basil now."

"What? No! I'm saying that nice comments from me freak him out. He must be homophobic or something. But it doesn’t matter- it's perfect, I don't need to fight with him to get him to leave me alone. I can just say whatever nice thing pops into my head and he's so uncomfortable he just leaves on his own."

Penny sighs and leans her elbows on the table as I start to butter up a plate of scones. "And these ‘nice things’ you say about Basil- they just pop into your head?"

"Well yeah, he's practically perfect." I swallow and take a second to think it through. "I can't believe my good luck. This is a perfect plan. I wish I'd thought of it before- it's a lot easier than fighting with him. And did you see how fast he just leaves? I'll never have to awkwardly spend time around him again!"

She sighs again, and I stop with a scone halfway to my mouth. "Forget it," she waves me off. "Enjoy your breakfast. I'm sure you'll figure it out sooner or later."

-

Right after tea a little bird comes to me from the Mage. I go to his office, but he isn't there. I go looking around the school for him, but don't manage to find him.

By the time I get to the dining hall for dinner I'm one of the last students in the serving line. I watch the pile of Yorkshire puddings get smaller and smaller and start to panic. By the time I get up there I'll be lucky to get one, and I usually like to have at least a couple.

(Honestly, I'd prefer to have at least four. They're so good. And Penny usually doesn't try to stop me from eating my fill of them. Anymore, anyway.)

I squint as I see Baz and his friends near the front of the line. I take a minute to stew in jealousy.

But then I remember- my secret weapon.

I lick my palms and run them through my hair. The second year in front of me turns around as I hiss in pain, my fingers catching on a knot in my curls. "Shut up," I tell him, but he just stares as I run my hands down my shirt, trying to smooth out some of the wrinkles.

"I think that only made it worse," he says unhelpfully as I adjust my trousers.

"I didn't ask you," I snap as I give up my spot in line and make my way to the front.

"Snow, even you should know you can't cut in line. Get back to the end, like a good Chosen One." I ignore Niall and stare at Baz, who is examining his nails and acting like he hasn't noticed me.

I stare at him until he finally decides to look up at me.

"You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

He makes a sound that reminds me of choking before nodding jerkily at Niall and Dev- and then just as I hoped he abandons his place in line and just walks right out of dining hall.

I smile at them smugly as I take his place.

"What are you playing at, Snow?" Niall hisses at me.

I shrug. "It's not cutting if you take someone else's place in line."

He frowns. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"S'not my fault he's homophobic." I mumble.

Dev literally chokes. "You think _Baz_ is homophobic?"

He and Niall start laughing a little hysterically. I frown- I hate feeling like the butt of the joke.

They stop themselves as we get nearer to the serving table. "Look, Snow. It's none of our business what goes on between you and Baz. But, just- don't make this a thing, alright?" I have no idea what he means. Dev must recognize the look on my face because he continues, "just don't do him wrong. I know he can be a right dick, but this is different, and you're better than that."

And then he and Niall go to help themselves to roast beef and leave me there at the edge of the serving table.

-

Baz is sitting on his bed, flipping through a textbook. I decide that won’t do- I’d like the room to myself for a nap.

"You've got nice hands,” I say idly.

The tops of his ears turn pink again, very faintly. (Does that mean he's fed recently? I didn't realize vampires could blush, honestly. I mean sometimes he's a little pink after games, but I'd never really thought about it before.)

But instead of getting up, he exhales slowly and quietly before sitting up straighter and looking over at me. "Snow, what is this?"

"What's what? You've got nice hands is all. You know, for a bloke." I wait but he doesn't get up and leave.

Fuck.

He narrows his eyes at me. "What's with all the compliments?"

"I don't know what you mean."

He sneers. "I'm sure you do. You've been saying an awful lot of nice things about me recently."

I have good reason for that, considering I literally cannot say anything else about him- but I decide not to give that away. I don't want him to try and figure out why I've been spelled (it would be embarrassing to admit I was caught planning my revenge by miss Possibelf. I don't like it when he knows I've failed at something, he always rubs it in and makes it feel worse.)

I decide to play dumb. "I don't quite remember."

"Earlier you told me I had nice eyes- and that my arse looked incredible in jeans."

"I didn't say anything about your arse, I just said you looked good in jeans.” I say, holding my hands up.

"Weird, I thought you 'didn't quite remember?'"

Ah, shit. This is what I get for breaking my rule about talking to him unless absolutely necessary.

He clears his throat and sits up straighter. (His posture is impeccable. I wonder if that's why he always looks so tall. Maybe if I stopped slouching I'd grow a few inches, then I wouldn’t have a complex about our height difference). "What's this all about? Tell me the truth."

"The truth?" I look down at his crossed legs, and try to think of something to say. (He's still wearing those _fucking_ jeans. He's never bothered wearing jeans before- I wonder what made this weekend special?)

_The truth is you're a raging arsehole, and the fact that I can't tell you that is literally choking me._

"The truth is I'm desperately attracted to you." We both freeze. That’s not what I meant to say. I was confused, thinking about the truth, and the jeans- and all of a sudden, I wasn't in control of my mouth anymore.

This time I'm the one who runs out of the room.

-

Penny pats my back absently as I sit next to her in the library, head in my hands.

"Miss Possibelf has ruined my life," I tell her. The patting speeds up, but she ignores me otherwise, flipping a page in the book in front of her. "I can’t believe this happened to me."

“Just ask her to unspell you. Tell her you’ve learned your lesson.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well it’s almost curfew, so I guess if you don’t want to do that you can go back to your room and talk to Baz instead.”

I swallow nervously. “I _really_ don’t want to do that.”

(What if he hits me? He might, Anathema be damned. The expression on his face as I fled the room made him look more unhinged than usual. Maybe I finally succeeded in making him as mad as he makes me. I should probably just tell him that I got confused, and that he grosses me out, but I doubt I could say it. _Fucking spell_.)

I sneak into the room just before curfew, hoping Baz will be down in the catacombs. But my luck has always been rotten, so instead of being down there, terrorizing the rodents, he's sitting on his bed ready to terrorize me instead.

Or at least, that's what the expression on his face would have me believe.

He clears his throat like he's going to say something. I should have spelled him mute before I ran off. Or wiped his memory. Anything that would have prevented this moment from happening.

"Er- as it stands, I am also attracted to you. We might- if you want- meeting by the lake sometime could be… nice." Then he gets up stiffly, and walks out the door and down the stairs.

I'm so shocked I don't notice I'm frozen in the middle of the room until he's been gone awhile. Then once I get over the surprise at having heard Baz _stammer_ of all things- I process what it is he actually said, and I freeze in shock all over again.

He doesn't come back until late, much later than he usually does after hunting. I know he knows I'm still awake, but he ignores me as he heads to the loo to get ready for bed. I close my eyes and breathe out slowly as I hear the shower turn on.

-

The next night I sneak out of Mummer's before curfew. I cross the drawbridge and head towards the lake, sticking to the shadows.

I don't see anyone else on my way, which is good news.

Everyone sneaks out to the lake at night. Not to the lake specifically, but to the little cave next to it. Needs must, as it were. Even Agatha and I had snuck out once or twice while we were dating.

(The staff makes a big deal about how the drawbridge goes up at night, and if you're not in the castle you'll be stuck outside all night- but a strong enough _when one door closes_ will open the drawbridge right up. Especially if you cast it right after opening and closing the main gate. It's a little bit of an effort, but the older students find the motivation.)

I pick my way around the lake, careful not to fall in.

"Baz," I whisper, as I peek into the cave. "Baz!"

"Could you be any less discreet, Snow?" he snarls, peeking out from behind a rock.

_Could you be any more of a dick?_ I try and ask, but it won't come out. "You look nice tonight." I say instead, because dick or not, Baz always looks good.

"Just get over here!" he hisses, and I startle as he jumps me with inhuman speed.

-

I'm halfway through my second plate of cottage pie when Penny finally sighs, tucking her graded essay into her bag. Her grade is good, better than good, but I know she doesn't like being second-best at anything.

"Is there anything he isn't good at?" she asks as she finally starts on her lunch.

I wrinkle my nose. "No," I say darkly. "What does it mean? How can he be good at everything?"

Inside though, I'm ecstatic. Penny never lets me talk about Baz, and here she is- starting the conversation for me. It's the best thing that's happened all day.

Well, second best thing, I think as I let myself remember getting up this morning. I feel myself flush and I fidget in my seat.

Nothing wrong with being second best.

"Don't get worked up over it, Simon," she scolds me, and I realize too late my magic is leaking again. Gareth trips over his own feet on his way back from the serving table and dumps his lunch all over his shoes. I wince- it's always sad to see good food wasted like that. It brings me back to the present though, and I shake my head and tell myself to save my previous train of thought for later.

_Later._

Penny keeps going, probably trying to calm me down. I should tell her I'm already calm, but I don't want to get into why I lost control of my magic in the first place, so I just nod idly while she goes on. "He's not worth it. Besides, we know relatively little about him, considering. There are probably tons of things he's not good at, obscure things like Sanskrit and lacrosse. Or maybe he's just a terrible kisser or something."

"No, he's good at that too," I say, narrowing my eyes at Baz from across the dining hall. He's been ignoring me since we left the room this morning, and he knows I know it. Even now he's drinking his tea and pointedly ignoring my gaze.

_The fucker_.

When I get back to my lunch, I notice Penny is staring at me from across the table. I look around- but no, nothing. "What's up?" I ask, mouth full.

"Since when have you been kissing Basil?" she asks.

"Uh," I don't know how to respond. "I didn't really say that." She raises a brow at me in a way that reminds me violently of Baz. (I've really got to start thinking of something, anything, other than Baz.) "Okay, fine," I concede, pushing my lunch around on my plate. "He asked me to meet him by the lake the other night."

"You went to the lake to meet _Basil_?" she says, clearly believing I'm lying right to her face.

_I thought he was involved in some kind of plot,_ I try to say, but nothing comes out. I sigh. "I didn't really put it all together until I was already there," I say instead, because that part's true.

She shakes her head. "And you're _roommates._ You don't even need to-" she holds up her hand and shakes her head again. She's right though, but we've since figured that part out- we haven't bothered sneaking out to the lake again.

(Which is fine by me, bloody waste of time and effort to get there anyway. Besides, my bed is much more comfortable.)

Penny puts down her fork even though she’s not even close to being done. "Well, that sorts that, I guess. At least it explains all the time you've spent obsessed with each other."

"I'm not obsessed with Baz," I tell her. "He's just impossible to ignore- and I live with him!"

"You're completely obsessed with Baz. And don't think you're suddenly allowed to talk about him any more than you normally do now that you're- whatever it is you're doing."

" _I_ don't want to talk about Baz. You're the one who brought him up!" I defend myself. "Besides, nothing's changed. It's all because of the spell-," _He's still a complete tosser,_ I try and fail to add.

"I don't want to hear it, Simon." Penny warns me, and I go back to my food. I don't want to frustrate her and end up eating alone, especially not when Baz is still sitting across the dining hall, ignoring me.

“Are you going to finish that?” I make sure to ask her.

(Even though the world is upside down, that’s no excuse to waste good food.)

_Of course_ it's all because of the spell, I think to myself after dinner as I shove Baz deep into my mattress and work on trying to mark his neck.

(I have yet to be successful, but I have high hopes.)

He hisses when I get my teeth involved and flips us over, kneeing me in the side as I struggle to catch his mouth with mine.

The good thing about kissing Baz is it means he's too distracted to say anything mean. And it keeps him occupied enough so that I don't need to worry about him attacking me. Honestly, it's been a relief because I was going crazy, not being able to tell him off because of the spell, or fight with him because of the Anathema. I felt like I was going to burst without some kind of outlet.

(There's other good things about kissing Baz too, unrelated to the spell, and worth ignoring. But he smells good, and kissing him means getting to smell him up close. And he's cold- which is perfect because the room has been kind of hot lately. Also, I didn't lie to Penny- once he got the hang of it, he became just as good at kissing as he is at everything else. Which is obviously suspicious, but quite pleasant right now.)

I still should probably get the spell reversed though, just in case. Then things can go back to normal.

Maybe next week, I think idly, threading my fingers in Baz's hair and giving a sharp tug.

**BAZ**

"Mr. Pitch!"

It takes me a moment but then I realize, _Eight Snakes, that's me._

I pull back from Simon and blink down at Miss Possibelf, belatedly remembering to straighten my tie and tuck my shirt back in.

"Apologies, miss." I wince at the sound of my voice. I clear my throat and hope it'll go unmentioned between the three of us.

"I expected better from you," she tuts. "That is not appropriate behaviour for the corridors."

She doesn't look impressed at my expression. Probably because I know it's unbearably smug. It's Friday afternoon, classes are let out for the weekend, and Simon Snow has me pushed up against the wall in the corridor because he couldn't wait for us to get back to the tower.

In all, my situation leaves quite a lot to be smug about.

She shakes her head and turns to Simon, who is looking appropriately apologetic as he shuffles from foot to foot. "At least you look like you've learned your lesson."

That catches my attention. How intriguing.

"Yes miss," he nods, glancing over at me quickly then looking away.

" **As you were!** " Miss Possibelf spells him. "Don't let me catch you again Mr. Snow."

"No, miss." Simon agrees. We both watch her as she walks down the corridor, turning the corner-

And Simon pushes me back up against the wall at the exact moment I reach for his tie.

"What was that about?" I ask him much later, as we walk up the staircase to our room. (He's been carrying my book bag the whole way, like he doesn't even realize how clichéd he is. It's disgustingly charming.)

He stammers as I sit down on my bed and remove my wrinkled blazer. (For the second time today.) I've almost forgotten I'd asked him a question when he finally finds enough words for the lot to tumble out all at once.

"I need to tell you something."

I pause. "Okay."

"You're an unbelievable arse."

For a moment I let myself stare at him dreamily. Then I realize he's not talking specifically about my arse and I frown. "Excuse me?"

He fidgets. "I didn't mean it like that. Or well- I did, but I wasn't sure if it would work. So I only meant it a little- since I was also trying to see if it would work."

(If what would work, Simon? Your attempt to ruin the mood?)

"You'll need to enlighten me," I tell him coolly, crossing my arms and adjusting my posture. I throw in a brow raise, because I know he hates that.

"Just- don't get upset, okay? You have the weirdest temper; I never know what will set you off."

I wrinkle my nose. This wasn't exactly my plan for the rest of the afternoon. He takes a big breath and keeps fidgeting. "Out with it, Snow!" I snap. He's getting on my nerves.

"Remember the other week? When Niall had to shave his head because he said his hair was absolutely fucked?"

I blink. I don't know what I expected him to say, but it definitely was not this.

"Yes," I agree. I do remember, mostly because Niall has had to sport an incredibly unflattering buzzcut since his hair, as he has informed us, ‘is permanently and massively fucked.'

Snow nods. "Yeah, well that was me. Miss Possibelf caught me spelling the mirror in the boys' locker room to try and curse you with bad hair. For a year."

I blink at him again. This entire conversation is bizarre. "And why exactly-,"

"It was right after you spelled my school trousers too small and they split during lunch."

I sigh. "Snow, I did not spell your trousers too small. That's idiotic. You are aware that eating three portions at every meal will eventually cause you to gain weight, right?"

He frowns and stares at the wall like he honestly hadn't considered it. I sniff. While I'll admit to having invested a considerable amount of energy and interest in Snow's trousers over the past week, I had nothing to do with that particular spectacle.

Besides, when I finally succeed in getting Snow's trousers off him, it will not be in the middle of the dining hall. (Preferably.)

"Well I thought it was you, and I was caught getting my revenge, so Miss Possibelf spelled me as punishment."

"Well you've seemed to be a complete disaster, as usual."

"Right- so don't get angry." he says. I pause. I hate being told what to do. He rubs the back of his neck, looking awkward before continuing. "She spelled me so I couldn't say anything mean about you. Which was driving me mental because I couldn't fight with you and you're _always_ trying to pick fights."

I'm still not following this conversation. Does anything Snow ever thinks make any sense at all? It's no wonder he doesn't usually bother.

My silence encourages him because he keeps going. "And so for awhile I decided to just not talk about you, but that was impossible and made me kind of mental, so Penny told me to just think the mean stuff and say something nice instead- so I wouldn’t choke on it."

_That_ throws me. "Wait, what?"

"Yeah it's kind of shitty."

If I had a heart it would be pounding. (Or breaking.) All this time, I've been clinging to the nice things Simon has been saying about me. Letting his words convince me that, maybe, he feels even a fraction of what I feel for him. Or at least that he's ready to stop being enemies and be something else.

Something more.

(I make a mental note to burn my journal later in light of this information. I've been meticulously documenting all the nice things Snow has been saying like a lovesick schoolgirl. How mortifying.)

"So, you've just been… thinking terrible thoughts at me this whole time?" I clarify.

I must have done something _really_ fucked up in a past life. Or pissed off something very powerful.

"Yeah. Although not always, sometimes I just wanted you to go away." My mouth physically drops open in surprise. Then I pull myself together and close it with as much dignity as I can muster. I think Snow realizes I won't be taking his advice to not be upset because he's quick to continue. "Because you'd just get up and leave when I said something nice about you. I thought it was because you were uncomfortable- but it was really convenient when I wanted you to go away. Until- y'know." he rubs the back of his neck, his face flushed.

Wow.

I clap my hands together and am immediately disgusted. I've never done that before in my life. "Okay, good chat. I have to go- feed." I say before immediately regretting my words. Snow just stares at me, probably too shocked to reply as I back out of the room. "Dinner. I need to feed myself dinner," I say encouragingly. "Friday is fish and chips, as you well know. My favourite."

And then I use my super speed to get out of the bloody tower as fast as I can.

-

I'm in the catacombs hours later when I decide what my problem is. Snow's stupidity is obviously contagious, and being forced to share a room for years has made me an imbecile.

It’s a tragedy.

Honestly, I’m not angry. Heartbroken? Yes. Angry? No. Mortified, though, that’s an apt description of my current state.

I sigh and lean back against the dirt wall. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this. I should probably be planning a way to wipe Snow’s memory or something.

(It would be a kindness to both of us. He’s probably cringing up there in our room, thinking about all the times I’ve snogged him while he’s been trying and failing to get me to leave him alone. Trust Snow to lack the social skills necessary to communicate the bare minimum necessary to avoid being molested.)

Honestly, I should probably spell myself too- Snow’s not the only one guilty of saying things he regrets over the past few weeks.

(Although in my defense, I would not have engaged if he hadn’t started it.)

Regardless, it’s probably better if we both forget this whole thing ever happened. I want to say that I don’t know why I was so quick to believe that a couple of nice words from Snow meant that he might feel something for me… but that’s a lie. It seems that I’m just pathetic and deluded enough to accept any hint of affection from him as genuine, despite our history.

I seriously consider spending the night down here, but I figure it’s better to get the whole thing over with. I’ll confront Snow now, wake him up so he’s confused and disoriented and tell him that…

(That _obviously_ I never meant anything I said either. That I was just- hormonal and he was convenient. I grimace as I even think it, but needs must.)

Besides, he’ll probably be so relieved he doesn’t need to snog me anymore that he won’t pay attention to the rest.

**SIMON**

I can tell Baz is surprised to see me awake when he gets back. I’d normally be asleep by now, but I was waiting for him.

“I got this for you,” I tell him, holding up the plate of fish and chips I’d been picking at. I’d gone after him, of course, but he hadn’t been in the dining hall. I’d considered going to the catacombs, but I needed to eat, and I figured he’d rather be alone if he was down there anyway. “Look, can we talk?”

“No, Snow. Talking is what got us into this mess, we’d better err on the side of caution.”

I frown. I don’t know why he’d think this is a mess.

I think we’ve actually done something _right_ for once. I put the plate on the table between our beds. (If he’s not going to eat it, I will. But _after_.)

“Well I think we should talk,” I tell him. He sighs as he opens his wardrobe and I count myself lucky that he seems to be listening, at least.

“You’re an insufferable git. And a bully. And a bad roommate.”

“Snow,” he growls, but I keep going.

“And you care too much about your hair. And you can be surprisingly mean for someone who likes cuddling and all that soft shit.”

He looks pissed. He’s going to give himself jaw problems if he doesn’t stop grinding his teeth like that. “Is that all?” he manages to get out.

“No, I’ve tons of other stuff I could say. And it’s all true.”

He nods and I reach out to him. He won’t look at me, but I probably deserve it right about now. Because what I’ve come to learn, surprisingly, is that Baz is a sensitive bloke.

One who cares about words. About what they mean.

So I try really hard to use the right ones to let him know what I’m trying to say. “That stuff doesn’t matter to me. I like you anyway. I like what we’ve been doing, and I want to keep doing it. I want to keep getting to know you, so I can keep finding new things to say about you. Nice things.”

He doesn’t look convinced, but when I slide my hand into his he doesn’t pull away. I decide to keep going. “I thought I only had bad things to say about you. But once I had to stop all that I realized that it was only holding me back from saying the things that really mattered.”

If I didn’t know Baz as well as I do, I’d think it didn’t work. But his face softens slowly, just as I knew it would.

(I was right- he’s a sucker for the soft shit.)

“Are you going to come to bed now?” I ask him, squeezing his hand.

“It depends- have you planned any more criticism tonight?” he asks, and I grin.

“I hadn’t thought about it, but I’m sure you can figure out a way or two to shut me up.”

It’s just my luck that Baz never backs down from a challenge.

In the end, he doesn’t have anything to worry about. As it turns out, Baz is capable of some things that leave me with nothing but good things to say about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking it out.
> 
> I can also be found on [tumblr](https://sharkmartini.tumblr.com/)


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